


A Losing Game

by Perfectsonnet



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, But he's ok, Even has some dark thoughts, Implied/Referenced Past Suicide Attempt, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, barely angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-08 04:37:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13450707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perfectsonnet/pseuds/Perfectsonnet
Summary: Even makes fun of Mikael for his blossoming romance with "super cool third year" Jonas before he meets Jonas's roommate.





	1. Chapter 1

Even hits snooze again, silencing “Sunday Morning” by the Velvet Underground for the third time. He makes a mental note, a feat in itself considering his massive headache due to the excessive drinking he did the night before, to stop choosing songs he likes to wake up to because they very quickly become songs he despises that way. It’s Saturday, so although setting an alarm felt like a good idea yesterday afternoon, it’s not, Even reasons, particularly necessary.

Drinking three (eight?) different types of liquor was probably not necessary either but it was Mutta’s birthday and everyone agreed that bar hopping would be the best way to celebrate. Sure that meant dropping too much kroner on both himself and occasionally the birthday boy but it was worth it to watch Mutta and Elias, by Bar Nine, sing a rendition of Sam Smith’s “Burning” whilst standing on bar stools as the surrounding, more sober patrons eyed them with disbelief or perhaps, disgust. And, Even remembered, to watch Yousef drunk call Sana, cry when she didn’t answer, and then leave an incoherent voicemail around Bar Eleven. Even definitely had his own bar regret at Bar Sixteen when he got “asked to leave” after jumping behind the bar to prove to his friends that he could, in fact, make the perfect Gin and Tonic. He’ll prove himself one day.

A knock at his door stops Even from falling back into a painful slumber and he groans loudly to indicate that whoever’s knocking shouldn’t enter. Of course, living with your best friends isn’t always means for privacy and Adam opens the door with a bang.

“Hey Even?”

Even groans again and Adam must take that as a sign that he’s listening because he says, “Mikael just called and he needs someone to pick him up from that guy Jonas’s place. Can you? I’m like, gonna barf.”

Even turns over and summons the best disbelieving look he can muster.

“Are you mad? Why can’t Mikael take the tram?”

Adam shrugs, “Dude I don’t know but I told him you’d do it and I’m—“ Adam doesn’t finish his sentence before literally running into Even’s bathroom and retching.

“Oh my god,” Even mutters to himself. He slowly untangles himself from his sheets—his warm, cozy sheets—and throws on the black hoodie he wore last night. He slept in his jeans, which reek of beer but whatever, so after shuffling into boots he presumes he’s presentable enough to drive to Mikael’s new fling’s.

“You good?” he inquires to Adam’s back, hunched over the toilet.

Adam throws him a thumbs up.

“Don’t make a mess,” he says and ignores Adam’s thumb turning into a more aggressive hand gesture.

Downstairs Elias is sleeping on the couch and Mutta is making coffee in the kitchen.

Even figures it’s worth one last ditch effort. “Hey, Mikael needs—“

“HA!” Mutta cuts him off. “As if I haven’t already pulled the “it’s my birthday” card.”

“That’s cute but your birthday ended nine hours ago.”

“Tell that to my hangover, Even. I threw up in my shoe last night.”

Even sighs and grabs Big Bertha’s keys from the wall. “At least leave me some coffee,” Even whines and Mutta gestures to the full pot. “All for you, babe.”

Big Bertha is the giant blue van Even shares with Mikael, Adam, Mutta, Elias, and Yousef. It’s almost impossible to manage who gets her when but the spreadsheet on their front door, courtesy of Yousef, eliminates some of the drama. B.B is old, huge, and ugly, but worst of all, her air conditioning is the slowest known to man. Even shivers for the first seven minutes of his drive to Jonas’s.

He only knows the address because he paid for Mikael’s uber there after Bar Ten. Mikael said if he paid for it then Even wouldn’t have to pay him back for his three (three!) tequila shots at Bar Four.

 _Jesus_ , Even thinks, _it’s a wonder I’m alive_. Even tries not to drink often, or at least drink so much, because it really fucks with both his meds and his sleep but he also doesn’t let his Bipolar control things like a fun night out with his friends. And fun it was, Even thinks, smirking when he remembers the girl he’d made out with in Bar Eight… or was it Bar Twelve?

Since Sonja, Even’s been sure to kiss as many people as possible because for four years, he only kissed one person and okay, Even doesn’t regret those years. He grew and learned and is no doubt the person he is today thanks to those years, but now he’s single and he likes kissing people so sue him if he makes out with strangers in bars once in awhile. 

Even shoots Mikael a text telling him to be ready outside in three minutes. Mikael sends him back like ten heart emojis and Even rolls his eyes. There was a time when heart emojis from Mikael would’ve had Even blushing down to his toes but thankfully, Even thinks, those days are dead and long gone. 

Even pulls up to the apartment complex where Mikael’s new boy lives and smirks when he sees Mikael kissing said boy, a boy with really crazy hair, goodbye. Even honks just to be obnoxious, prompting the two to pull apart. Jonas shoots him a wave and Mikael flips him off. 

They exchange a few more words before Jonas goes back inside and Mikael opens B.B’s passenger door. 

“Fun night?” Even asks, pulling away from the curb and narrowly missing a trashcan. Mikael blushes and Even resists the urge to scream with joy.

Mikael likes someone! Mikael never likes anyone!

Mikael must read Even’s thoughts or at least notice his expression because he rolls his eyes and mutters, “Shut up.”

“How’d you meet this boy again?”

“We met at that environmental rally I went to last month, if you’ll recall.”

“Oh God, of course you did.” 

Mikael laughs. “Shut up! He’s so cool, Even. Like way cooler than us.”

Even raises his eyebrows. “Cooler than me? Cooler than Elias? Doubtful. Cooler than you? Sure.”

“Oh, way cooler than Elias. He spent like twenty minutes this morning explaining sexual power dynamics in relation to feminism to me and I was like, okay, I want to literally wear your skin you’re so cool.” 

Even starts laughing, “That’s disgusting. I mean you’re disgusting. Feminism is vital.”

“Yeah and he’s still in videregaende skole! I didn’t even know what feminism _was_ when I was in school.”

“Wait, seriously?”

Mikael rolls his eyes. “I know what it is now Even, Jesus. It’s the—“

"No, I mean, he’s still in school?” 

“It’s not that weird! He’s a third year. It’s not like he’s sixteen or something.”

“Whoa,” Even smirks, “Chill. Never said it was weird.”

The two fall into a comfortable silence and Even is reminded of his hangover. “God I need coffee. Should I wait till we get home or should I stop at Starbucks?”

“Don’t you dare,” Mikael reprimands and Even groans. 

“What now?”

“Jonas has been talking to me about the poison that corporations like Starbucks have on—“ 

“Okay, so, I just decided I hate Jonas,” Even interrupts. Mikeal snorts.

“Shouldn’t you be saving money after last night anyways?” Mikael’s right but Even kind of wants to be a dick and stop at Starbucks for the hell of it… 

“Yo, if Jonas is a third year, does that mean he still lives with his parents? Did you meet up with Jonas for a booty call… at his parents house?” Even laughs at the image of Mikael ringing the doorbell at one in the morning only to be greeted by an angry, middle-aged father. 

“Okay, first of all don’t call sex with the love of my life a booty call—“

“Ew,” Even interrupts. 

“—and second of all, “Mikeal continues, “He lives with two friends.” 

Even hums thoughtfully. He can’t imagine living with anyone but his parents during his school years, especially with all the shit he was going through. The lowest points in his life all happened in school and he doesn’t think he would’ve made it out alive, literally, without his parents helping him get help. His parents and his friends, they’d seen it all. His worst self and his darkest thoughts and they all still stuck around, still double-checking on him even now, two years after school, feeling better than he ever believed possible. 

Now he’s living with the boys but he’s still close to his parents. If he misses a Wednesday night dinner his mom loses her shit so he sees them weekly. Living with the boys is different and even though they all fight over dishes and what to watch on their only television set and who gets B.B and who’s making dinner, Even doesn’t regret for a second deciding to believe Yousef when he said six people in one house wouldn’t only be economical “but also fun, Even!” 

He’s only gotten in one physical altercation over his Doritos and he and Elias were laughing by the end of it anyways. 

“He lives with his friends in school?”

“Yeah, he was telling me the story this morning. Actually, one of his roommates is his ex-girlfriend.” 

“Oh my god,” Even laughs, “What?”

Mikael grimaces, “Yeah but he told me they’re totally over and she’s just, like, one of his best friends now.”

“A good relationship with an ex? Can’t imagine.”

Mikael snorts, “Sonja was at our house last weekend.”

Yeah, Mikael wasn’t wrong. Although Even and Sonja weren’t best friends, they were amicable and Even always invited her to their parties, most which she actually showed up to. You don’t stop caring for someone after four years of loving them, Even knows. She stuck by him through his diagnosis and, Even knows, actually a really good girlfriend most of the time. Sonja will always mean something to him and if she was completely out of his life, it would sting. But living with Sonja? Fuck no. 

“Do you believe him? That they’re just friends?”

Mikael shrugs, “I have no reason not to.”

Even smiles, remembering why Mikael is one of his best friends. He’s trusting and trustworthy and he’s got a heart of gold. Even knew Mikael first and the rest of the boys came later. When Even tried to kill himself after a manic episode, Mikael was the first to visit, telling the doctors he was Even’s brother. And there was no judgment or fear in Mikael’s eyes when he told Even they were going to fight “this” together. Even had cried, from sadness but also relief. He knew in that moment that he’d always have Mikael. 

“Um, earth to Even?” Mikeal said, waving his hand in front of Even’s eyes. 

Even blinked, “Sorry, I was thinking about how much I like you.”

Mikeal rolled his eyes, “I was saying that Jonas invited me to a pregame next Friday and he said I could bring friends. I informed him I lived with five and I couldn’t get away with not inviting all of them and he said that was chill.” 

“I don’t know dude… a youngster’s pregame?”

Mikael whined, “Even please oh my god you have to come and you have to be on board so the others will come too. I can’t go alone! I’ll look like I have no friends.” 

“Since when am I the deciding factor on if we all go?”

“If you stay in, Yousef will stay in. If Yousef stays in, Elias will stay in. If Elias stays in, Adam will stay in, and if Adam stays in, Mutta will stay in.”

“Jesus,” Even laughs, “You’ve got that down to a science. What happens if you stay in?”

Mikael smirks. “You stay in, obviously.”

.

  
Even’s watching Luhrmann’s _The Great Gatsby_ for the 900th time when there’s a knock at his door. “Party time, bitch!” Mikeal yells as he walks into Even’s room before stopping in his tracks at Even’s appearance. 

“What the fuck bro, I said be ready for 18:00! On the fucking dot, bro.”

Even groans, “I don’t know if—“ 

“Even you promised,” Mikael shouts dramatically. 

Yousef pops his head in, “What’s this I hear about Even not going?”

Mikeal gives Even a pointed look. “Do you see what you’ve already started?”

Even laughs in spite of himself. “Alright, give me ten minutes.”

Mikael smiles victoriously and shuts the door. Even tells himself he’ll put on a happy face for Mikael and the boys and then bounce when the pregame moves to an actual party and finish _The Great Gatsby_. Even promised a pregame, not a night out. Plus he figures Mikael will be too busy with Jonas by then to even notice one of his boys is M.I.A. 

Even throws on his favorite skinny jeans, a black turtleneck, and a Thrasher hoodie that he knows isn’t his. When he walks downstairs to all the boys lounging on the couches Mutta greets him with a “Nice sweatshirt,” so Even assumes the hoodie is his.

“Ready, bitches?” Elias inquires in an American accent before leading the group out the door. Jonas’s place is only four tram stops away and Even bites his lip to stop himself from shaming Mikael about asking for a ride home last weekend. 

“Alright boys, remember, the most embarrassing story of Mikael told tonight gets out of dish duty next week,” Elias declares and then smirks as the group walks up the stairs after being buzzed in by Jonas. 

Mikael stops leading the pack in a panic and turns to look at the rest of them, varying heights on the staircase, to say, “I will spend the right of my life not flushing my shits if you people do this to me tonight.”

A collective groan of disgust echoes back. 

“That’s disgusting,” Yousef replies.

Mikael shrugs, “If you shit on me tonight, revenge will be in order.” 

The first thing Even thinks when he enters the apartment is that it’s impressively furnished for three school students. Jonas is the one to open the door and greets Mikael with a kiss on the cheek, which earns a hoot from Elias and a death glare form Mikael in response. Jonas introduces himself to all the boys with different handshakes and Even immediately thinks to himself that yeah, Mikael was probably right, this guy is way cooler than them. 

Jonas introduces them to the people already there, all sitting in different circles around the living room, as “the rest of his people.”

“Sana?” Elias asks and Yousef’s head shoots up like a deer in headlights. Sure enough, Sana is sitting in one of the circles with four other girls. 

“You know Sana?” Jonas asks as Elias and Yousef walk over to her. Even watches as Sana gives Elias an exasperated look and Yousef a small smile. 

Mikael nods. “Elias’s sister. We’ve known her for forever. How do you know Sana?”

“Eva’s friend,” Jonas supplies with a smile, “Small world.”

Eva must be the infamous ex-girlfriend/roommate, Even thinks. 

“Beer?” Jonas addresses the rest of them and the boys shout in glee. Jonas points to a fridge and tells them to help themselves.

.

“Uhh, that’s mine,” Even hears from behind him and turns to see what Even can only assume is an actual, honest to God, angel. A halo of blonde curls and the face of Even’s future wet dreams wearing a t-shirt with ironically, Even notices, Jesus Christ on it. 

Even forgets how to breath, let alone speak, and when the boy only continues looking at him with a bemused smile, Even finally opens his mouth so that, “Wasst?” comes out.

He inwardly cringes because as if gaping at this boy, no doubt looking like a fish, wasn’t bad enough, he’d now had stuttering out a half-coherent word under his belt as well. 

The boy, the Angel, laughs quietly, and Even wonders if it’s possible to jerk off to a sound and if maybe he should try it. The boy gestures to the beer bottle in Even’s hand and says again, “That’s mine.”

“Shit, sorry,” Even replies, going to put the bottle back in the fridge when a soft, strong hand grabs his wrist to stop him. 

“It’s okay, have it. Just don’t tell anyone,” Angel tells him, reaching around Even to grab one for himself. Even notes that Angel smells like deodorant and weed and heaven, probably. 

“Even,” he introduces himself, tilting the beer towards Angel in greeting. 

Angel smiles and Even feels sick with want. 

Jesus, he really needs to get properly laid and preferably by the living, breathing incarnation of God in front of him.

“Isak,” the boy replies. 

“Isak,” Even repeats, trying out the word on his tongue. Feels nice. Maybe he’ll moan it later. Preferably with present company. 

“Did you just get here? I haven’t noticed you and I’m pretty good at scoping out the hottest person in the room right away,” Even supplies and hopes it comes off as smooth and not super creepy. Thankfully the boy, Isak, looks down as a blush rises to his pretty cheeks. Even wants to paint him. 

“Smooth,” the boy replies. “Actually I was just in my room, you know, finishing some homework and avoiding social interaction.” A boy after his own heart. 

“So you’re the third roommate,” Even concludes and Isak smiles. 

“That’s me.” 

“And you must be… one of Jonas’s new guy’s friends?”

“That’s me,” Even parrots before slyly, god he hopes slyly, looking Isak up and down. The boy is perfect down to his beat up old converse. 

“I think Jonas is really into your friend.”

 _And I’m really into you_ , Even thinks. 

“Yeah, Mikael won’t shut up about Jonas either so… I guess we’ll be seeing more of each other.”

“Is that so?” Even nods. 

“Oh yeah, just wait. In two weeks you’ll be so sick of me just seeing my face will make you want to retch.” 

Isak smirks and slyly (Ha! Not so slyly, actually) looks Even up and down. 

“I seriously doubt that,” he replies and Even’s insides fist bump. Was that Isak insinuating he likes Even’s face? He’ll take it, reaching or not. 

The next moments of silence make Even’s thoughts run wild. Should he ask him about Jonas? His family? School? Suddenly everything Even knows about conversations has evaporated. Isak opens his mouth, presumably to excuse himself and Even panics.

“Smoke?” Even croaks. 

Isak’s eyebrows crinkle adorably in confusion. 

“I mean, do you wanna smoke? With me? I have a joint.” Even lightly flicks the joint tucked behind his ear. He was saving it for a nightcap with Adam but fuck it, he’ll roll another one at home if Adam really wants to. He needs the help of a little weed right now to talk to this beautiful boy in front of him. 

Isak raises one eyebrow. “How could I say no to that?”

 _You can’t!_ Even thinks victoriously. 

Isak leads him towards a door down the hallway and Even prays none of his friends see him, catch on and follow them in for a hit. He also hopes Magnus, the very enthusiastic boy he’d been talking to before leaving to fetch a beer, isn’t waiting for him to finish their Nissen vs Bakka conversation.  
The door leads to Isak’s room, which is a mattress on the floor, a couple of posters that Even can’t make out in the dark, and a window with a ledge perfect for sitting. 

“Whoa, this is like the perfect smoking spot,” Even notes and Isak nods, sitting cross-legged on one side of the ledge. 

“I know, right? We all come in here to smoke when we don’t feel like stinking up the place.”

Even lights the J and inhales deeply before handing it to Isak, ensuring their fingers brush. 

“You, Eva, and Jonas, right? How’s that?”

Isak smiles and his eyes light up with it. “They’re my best friends and they’re pretty much doing me a favor but living with me. We fight but… I don’t know,” Isak shrugs, “I like it.” He takes a hit and coughs a cute little cough, which Even writes down in his growing list of reasons this boy is the most adorable boy alive. 

“I get it. I live with friends too.”

“Mikael?” 

Even nods. “Mikael… and Elias and Yousef and Adam and Mutta, all who’re here tonight.”

“Jesus,” Isak laughs and Even laughs too. It _is_ pretty wild. 

“I still have my own room though… lots of privacy.” _In case you wanna be alone with me in my room or something crazy like that_ , Even thinks but tries to say it with only his eyes. 

Isak looks away sheepishly and Even considers it a win. Next he asks Isak about music because music is easy to bond over. Isak makes it even easier when he tells him he likes old school hip-hop. They talk about NWA and Nas and Nate Dogg and when Even mentions the Beastie Boys Isak gives Even just the right amount of shit. Even loves it. 

“Oh my god, you had me going! You really did! But the Beastie Boys, Even?” Isak laughs.

“Fuck off, they had some bangers,” Even defends, which makes Isak laugh harder and Even’s stomach swoops as he cracks a smile back. 

“And what about modern hip-hop?” 

“Yeah, I like some stuff… um, Vince Staples, A$AP Rocky—“

“Drake?” Even jokes and Isak snorts. 

They talk about movies and Even gives Isak extra shit for calling _Godzilla_ a masterpiece. 

“Jesus, what’re you a fourteen year old boy?”

“Yeah, actually,” Isak replies with a straight face and for a split-second Even believes him. 

Isak can tell and breaks down in more laughter. “Oh my god Even, what? You know I’m not fourteen _what the fuck_.”

“I know!” Even defends. “You just had me for like a split second, okay. You’re a pretty good liar.”

“Oh, I’m the champion of lying. The _master_ , if you will.”

“Too bad your movie taste is such shit, _master_.”

Isak laughs. “Fuck off, what’re you a film student or something?” 

Even giggles. “Yeah I’m in film school actually.” Isak stops laughing. 

“Really?”

“Truly.”

“I knew your hipster thing wasn’t just skin deep.” 

Even laughs in disbelief. “You think I’m a hipster?”

Isak makes a point of looking him up and down this time. “You’re wearing a Thrasher hoodie.”

“This is Mutta’s! I don’t even know what a Thrasher is!” Even exclaims, making Isak laugh again. 

_I’ll roast myself everyday if it means making you laugh,_ Even thinks. Isak stops laughing and the two make eye contact through the smoke of the joint Even’s still holding. Even never wants to look away, thinks he could stare into this boy’s green eyes forever. He’s got Even thinking stupid shit an hour after meeting him and Even never wants to stop thinking stupid shit about this pretty pretty boy with his sweet curls and his laugh and his shitty taste in movies and—

In the next moment Isak’s door opens and he stops looking at Even to turn towards his now open bedroom door. A boy Even doesn’t recognize from before enters. He’s got brown hair and freckles that Even can just make out in the moonlight. 

“There you are,” he says, walking towards Isak, and Even just knows. He can feel it. 

The boy leans down to kiss Isak in greeting and Even instinctively closes his eyes. 

“Uhh, Julian, this is Even. Even, this is my boyfriend Julian.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm overwhelmed by the comments and kudos you've given me! Hopefully you enjoy this chapter as well.

Even silenced his alarm with a groan. “Sunday Morning” was now just a basic ringtone because if Even hadn’t done anything productive in the past week, he’d at least done that.

It was a Saturday and Even had shit due Monday for class but he hadn’t found the motivation to complete it. A screenplay that “includes two characters falling in love over the course of one night” was much harder to finish now that he was bathing in cynicism on a daily basis.

He walked down the stairs, telling himself that a giant bowl of sugary cereal couldn’t _hurt_ the writing process. Elias and Yousef were in the kitchen, Elias making some kind of egg concoction on the stove and Yousef watching him with a look of horror etched on his face from his perch on the counter.

“What is that?” Even asked, sniffing the air, “It smells so bad, dude.”

Elias glanced at Even over his shoulder whilst continuing to stir whatever was in the pan. “Well look who’s talking,” he retorted.

Even rolled his eyes. “When wasn’t I talking?”

Yousef, who was now trying to poke a fork into Elias’s pan to taste the eggs, snorted. “Please. You’ve been moping around for like a week now, grunting replies and escaping to your room every chance you get.”

Okay, not necessarily false but certainly melodramatic if you ask Even.

“Oh my god I skip one movie night and suddenly I’m a recluse.”

“ _Four_ movie nights, Even. And are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

“For the millionth time, _yes_. I’m fine. You know I’d be honest with you guys if I felt like I was going to have an episode. I’ve just felt like being alone lately.”

“Alright, we trust you,” Yousef replied, making Even feel like shit for not just telling the boys that _no, he wasn’t having an episode_ but _yes, there was something wrong and it was that a boy he’d really hit it off with, the first person he’d thought he could have real feelings for since Sonja, had a boyfriend._ He knew a quick explanation would calm their fears but he didn’t want to voice it. It was kind of humiliating. Crushing, really.

Even hadn’t seen Isak in a week, since the pregame where they’d met, and he had no reason to. Sure Isak was roommates with Mikael’s new boyfriend but that didn’t mean anything. He’d told Isak they’d been seeing a lot of each other now that their best friends were dating but that was when Even could still flirt with the idea that he could see a lot of Isak in his bed. Now? Not a realistic goal. He could probably go Mikael and Jonas’s entire relationship without seeing Isak again. Unless they got married and Even had to stand next to Isak on the altar. Jesus. Maybe by then Even will have gotten over it.

After Julian had showed up, Even didn’t know how to a make a quick exit that didn’t scream “I was just seriously vibing with your boyfriend so I have no interest in sitting here with the two of you.” Julian had taken a hit and when the joint was passed back to Even, he denied it and made up some excuse about having to find Adam, leaving the two boys to be in love or whatever in Isak’s room. Even hadn’t missed the way Isak had looked at him as he left, pity practically pouring from his eyes.

Even didn’t need pity. He didn’t need pity from Isak and he didn’t need pity from his friends, who didn’t know what was wrong but who nonetheless knew _something_ was wrong and hadn’t left him alone since the pregame a week prior. He loved his friends. Obviously. He _lived_ with _all_ of them. But he didn’t need the constant check-ins they seemed to have agreed to take turns doing as Even spent a couple extra hours in his room, watching movies on his laptop or drawing or doing anything that helped him forget that Isak was taken.

.

Isak was taken. That’s why when Even saw him in Kaffebrenneriet, he considered turning around and walking out before Isak could notice him. There was another Kaffebrenneriet at the next tram stop and honestly, Even didn’t _need_ coffee this morning anyway. Even didn’t feel jilted or angry at Isak, that would’ve been ridiculous, but he knew that spending more time with Isak would only mean finding out other great things about him, and Even really could just spare himself that heartache and skip the coffee today.

Of course, Even didn’t have that kind of luck. _The universe has always been against me_ , he thought, as Isak looked up from the notebook he was furiously scribbling into and looked straight at Even. He smiled in recognition and waved him over.

Even panicked. He pointed to the long line for coffee and then shrugged, hopefully sending Isak the message that he should wait in line before talking to him. Isak nodded and then looked down to continue writing in his notebook. Thank god. That’ll buy Even ten minutes to swallow his dramatics and have a conversation with a boy who, one week ago, he thought maybe possibly someday could be his everything.

After Even ordered his coffee from a tired barista, he waited at the counter for his name to be called and avoided looking towards the corner where Isak was sitting.

Once Even got his coffee, he looked over at Isak, still scribbling in his notebook, and let himself take a second to gaze at the godlike specimen in front of him. It was a wonder anyone in this coffee shop was getting work done with this boy around as a distraction. Isak looked up and met Even’s gaze once again. Even audibly swallowed.

He _simply_ couldn’t go over there. When Isak gestured towards his table again, an empty seat across from him, Even freaked and pointed to his bare wrist, indicating he had to go. He spared him a small smile before turning on his heel and getting the fuck out of there. He missed Isak’s reaction but he could only assume it was of indifference.

.

“Oh, Jesus,” Even mumbled as Mikael exclaimed, “Oh look, it’s Isak!” He was walking out the door, bundled up in a big black coat, looking like the epitome of cuddly, and Even kind of wanted to scream. Mikael turned back to him and because Mikael was his best friend and he couldn’t hide shit from him, his face immediately turned into one of understanding.

“Isak? You’ve been moping around this entire week because of _Isak_?”

Even rolled his eyes. “I haven’t been moping, fuck, it’s like I can’t spend some time in my room without the whole house being up my—.“

“Gee, sorry Even, next time we’re all concerned because our best friend is _not_ _moping_ , which you absolutely are, we’ll just _fuck off_ instead.”

Even sighed. He hated when Mikael guilted him into realizing he was being a dick.

“I’m sorry, okay? I haven’t been _moping_ but if I have been a little quiet lately, yes, it might have to do with the fact that your boyfriend’s roommate has a boyfriend.”

“I don’t understand… When did you have time to form this fixation for Isak? When did you even talk to him?”

Even rolled his eyes. “Fixation? You make me sound like a serial killer. We just smoked at that pregame and I thought we were really hitting it off. Like really, seriously hitting it off. And then his fucking stupid boyfriend walks in and makes his existence known and ruins everything.”

The two both looked out the window at Isak again, who had seemingly dropped a large stack of papers and was picking them up frantically. Even’s heart squeezed and he couldn’t help but smile when Isak threw one hand of paper in the air, as if cursing the gods, and then reached down to collect more.

Mikael turned back to look at Even again, this time with an eyebrow raised. “Your prince charming awaits. Go and talk to him,” he suggested as he opened the passenger door.

“Um,” Even grabbed Mikael’s arm to stop him from leaving, “What part of “he has a boyfriend” did you not get?”

Mikael groaned, “So you can’t talk to the guy?” and then, “Hey, Isak!”

Isak looked up then and Mikael waved and then pointed his thumb back at Even behind him.

Even screamed into the abyss, but out loud only muttered a quick “You’re fucking dead,” before Mikael was completely out of the van and Isak was walking over.

Mikael and Isak exchanged some type of handshake in greeting and then Isak continued walking towards the van. Even knew he couldn’t just drive away and avoid any and all interaction but nonetheless, the van was in drive and his foot was near the gas pedal just in case whatever escaped his mouth warranted a quick getaway.

“Hey Even,” Isak greeted, voice muffled. Even realized the window was closed and cringed inwardly once again. He looked at Isak as the window slowly rolled down, Isak’s smile easy and warm.

When the window was finally rolled down, Isak leaned both arms on the door casually.

“Hey,” Isak said again and Even repeated the greeting.

“Nice van,” he observed and Even couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“She’s a beauty, isn’t she?”

“Beauty isn’t exactly the word that comes to mind,” Isak deadpanned and after a beat they both laughed.

“Ok, watch it. Big Bertha has feelings too.” Isak started to laugh even louder and Even immediately remembered how pretty the sound was.

“Oh my god, you named her _Big Bertha_?”

“No! Elias did, thank you very much. We all share her.”

“Wow, do you do everything with your friends?” Isak teased.

 _Uhh, yeah actually. Everything but jerk off_ , Even thought and then voiced it out loud.

Isak crinkled his nose and Even couldn’t help but chuckle at the mildly disgusted look on his face.

“Where are you off to?” Isak inquired.

“Got nothing to do so I’ll probably just head home…”

“Would you mind dropping me off at Nissen, then?” Isak asked and god, Even should not have said that he had nothing to do. Sure he could have this little conversation with four feet of Bertha between them but did he really want to drive Isak around, four inches apart with only the sound of B.B’s engine to cure their silence? No.

“Uhh, I—“

“You said you had nothing to do,” Isak reminded him with a little smirk and after a beat, “Please?”

Even didn’t stand a chance.

“Hop in.”

.

It’d been maybe two minutes and already the silence was unbearable. All Even could focus on was Isak’s fingers, drumming against his thigh. They were long, connected to his large palms, and Even resisted the fighting urge to intertwine Isak’s fingers with his own.

After another beat of silence Even panicked. He literally had no idea what to say. 

Was asking how committed Isak was to his current relationship an inappropriate question? He opened his mouth, hoping _something_ would come out, anything that could begin a conversation, but closed it when he realized that wasn’t going to happen and he probably looked like a fool with his mouth hanging open.

“So…” Isak started, “good talk.”

Even glanced at Isak to see him looking back, smiling softly in jest. Even returned the smile but still could think of nothing to say. 

“You know how to get to Nissen, right?” Isak asked and Even was eternally grateful for a question he could answer. 

“Hmm, yeah, I believe so,” he replied, turning on his blinker.

“Really?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t think you should’ve turned, then,” Isak laughed and Even turned to him in mock offense.

“I know what I’m doing, Isak.”

“Okay, Even,” Isak replied with a voice implying that he didn’t believe him.

That was okay because hearing his name in Isak’s mouth sent a shiver down Even’s spine and he needed a minute to recover.

“You went to Bakka?”

“Yep,” Even replied, popping the “p.”

“Fuckin’ hipster.”

Even gasped in mock offense again. “I wear a Thrusher sweatshirt _one time_ and suddenly—“

“Okay, first of all, it’s Thrasher,” Isak giggled, “And that’s only part of it Mr. Film School. Mr. _Bakka_. Mr. Vladimir Putin loves Captain America—“

“Whoa,” Even interrupted. “Did you see my short film?” Even thought he’d deleted the film from every website he’d naively uploaded it to in high school. There were some things you didn’t want your film school admission coordinators to see. And plastic kittens dying from AIDS was one of them.

Even glanced at Isak who looked like a deer in headlights. Even quickly looked back at the road in fear Isak’s expression was aimed at an incoming truck or something, but the street was empty and Even could only assume Isak had that look for some other reason. Was Isak looking him up? Just the thought made Even want to squeal.

“Umm… Mikael was showing Jonas and I was in the room.”

Even reprimanded himself for jumping to the naïve conclusion that Isak even bothered to google him. Some people had better things to do than obsess over people they’d just met.

“Oh my god why is he even showing people that?” Even laughed. “That was from our school days. I promise my stuff has gotten at least a little better.”

“You’ll have to show me something sometime,” Isak said and Even could’ve sworn Isak was blushing but Even destroyed that thought before it cultivated into something worth pondering. That way lies madness.

“Maybe I will,” Even replied with a gentle smile as he pulled up to Nissen. “Have fun studying on a Sunday, _nerd_ ,” Even taunted and Isak scoffed as he opened his door.

“I’m making up a test, for your information.”

“Right, sure you are,” Even said and tried to wink. The wink felt and no doubt looked more like a twitch than anything but Isak grinned back anyhow before shutting his door and throwing a little wave behind his shoulder.

Even breathed a sigh of relief. Somewhere during the drive Even had realized he’d made this Isak thing a much bigger deal than it needed to be. Why did he have to avoid someone he enjoyed talking to just because he had a boyfriend?

They could be friends.

.

Even could not be Isak’s friend, he’d decided, as Isak walked into their apartment a week later looking like a damn snack.

When Mikael told the boys that he’d invited Jonas to their pregame, he very much did not mention that Jonas would be bringing friends. Or really, just one friend. Isak.

The air in the room suddenly felt very heavy, and Even walked out to grab a beer from the kitchen as Mikael greeted the newcomers at the door. The cold air emitting from the fridge felt nice so Even stared into it for a minute, letting his face cool down. _We really need to clean out our fridge_ , he noted uselessly. Yousef hadn’t made spaghetti in at least two weeks but there it was, sitting in an open container right next to the cheese.

“I think you owe me a beer,” came Isak’s voice from behind him and damn if Even couldn’t catch a break.

He turned on his heel slowly and once again came face to face with Isak, the boy he’d quite literally just left the room to cool down from.

“Is that so?” Even asked once he’d recaptured his voice. It was rough with nerves. _Get it together. Be charming._

“If I recall, I let you have one of my beers last time. So it’s my turn,” Isak bargained.

“Well then,” Even consented, “Fair is fair.” He handed him a beer can out of the fridge from Elias’s stack because what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

“Takk.” Isak grabbed the beer from him, popped open the can, and took a long slug. Even watched as Isak’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and Even almost swallowed his tongue.

“How was your test?” Even asked because he truly had no better ideas. _I should start writing down conversation starters in a notebook and using them solely for interactions with this boy_ , he thought. Even was usually the epitome of smooth. It was in his nature. He always knew what to say and when he didn’t he was at least creative enough to think of something on the spot. What was it about Isak that triggered Even’s brain useless of interesting banter? Maybe it was that Isak rendered him essentially speechless with his pretty hair and face and intimidating nature.

“Meh, it was okay. I hate Literature.”

“I loved Literature class in school. That was my shit.”

Isak laughed. “Nah, I’m more of a science person. Biology and such.”

Even fake gagged, spurring a laugh of disbelief from Isak. “You don’t like biology?”

“I hated science in school. Can’t wrap my head around those things.”

“Well I can’t wrap my head around what some man who lived two hundred years ago means when he compares a bird to his imminent doom or whatever.”

“Touché,” Even surmised.

The two boys walked to the living room together, where the rest of the pregame was lounging on the couches. Unlike most pregames they hosted, this one was small. It was supposed to be just the six of them but when Mikael asked to invite Jonas, they allowed him. Everyone came to a consensus that Jonas was chill as fuck.

Mikael shot Even a look from the couch with his arm around Jonas when he saw Isak and Even walk from the kitchen together. Even rolled his eyes at him. What did he think Even could possibly be doing in there? Even knew what he _wanted_ to be doing but what he _wanted_ to be doing and what he _could_ do did not consolidate.

.

Two hours later and the small pregame had become increasingly louder.

Elias and Mutta were competing for best lip sync singer while Adam judged.

 _At least they’re not actually singing this time_ , Even thought. Isak and Yousef were talking, and Jonas and Mikael had escaped to Mikael’s room when the competition began. Even was half watching the competition, half watching Isak from the corner of his eyes as he talked animatedly to Yousef.

When the competition had finally ended (Adam called it a tie and both Elias and Mutta were _furious_ ), Yousef was chosen to get Mikael and Jonas out of Mikael’s room so they could all go out to some event at a club.

Even hated clubs. He never found any meaningful interactions came out of going to a club, but sometimes they were fun. Sometimes you didn’t want meaning, you just wanted to get shitfaced around strangers. But Even wasn’t shitfaced tonight. He’d nursed one beer for the last two hours. Elias was definitely the drunkest and he made a mental note to keep an eye on him tonight in case he didn’t something stupid like start a fight with a bouncer or try to dance on an elevated platform. Rare but it happened.

The ride to the club was loud as all the boys tried talking over each other. When Mutta fell into an older lady on the tram everyone gave him proper shit for the rest of the ride. Isak was sitting next to Even, his thigh pressed into Even’s because of the tight tram seating and Even reveled in it. Isak asked him about film school and Even found himself enthusiastically explaining the last project he had to film, forgetting that Isak made him nervous in his excitement. Isak seemed genuinely interested, at least that’s what Even told himself, and he even laughed when Even shared a particularly disastrous moment when his lead actress misunderstood his directions and jumped into a freezing pond. She was pissed when she found out the camera hadn’t been rolling.

Isak was swaying a little with the tram’s movements and Even smiled, wondering how drunk he was.

Isak scoffed, “I’m not drunk. I’m buzzed at the most, Even.”

“Whatever you say, Isak,” Even replied, oozing disbelief. Isak punched his arm lightly and Even pretended that it hurt, wincing dramatically and holding the place where Isak touched him.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know my own strength!” Isak howled.

Even broke down in laughter and Isak easily caught on.

“How dare you take advantage of my drunken state!”

“So you _are_ drunk,” Even smiled.

“Buzzed, Even. Buzzed.”

.

The club was loud and packed and reeked of booze. Even was reminded that clubs were absolutely terrible _unless_ you were shitfaced. And even then they were still pretty bad.

He’d immediately lost Elias and Mutta. The rest of the boys, including him, separated around the large bar to see who could get the bartenders attention first. Even figured if it was him he’d just buy a beer and sell it to one of the other guys for a couple extra kroner.

The music was pounding and when Even got the attention of the bartender he smiled in victory. He screamed his order over the music and the bartender nodded in understanding. After paying for his drink, he looked around for one of the guys to give it to. He saw Mikael, Jonas, and Adam together at the other side of the bar and approached them triumphantly. 

“Who wants it?”

Mikael made grabby hands at the beer and Even pulled it away from his with a laugh.

“Thirty-five kroner.”

Mikael scoffed, “Dude, it says right up there that it’s thirty.”

Even smirked, “I know what I said.”

Mikael rolled his eyes and reached for his wallet. Jonas stopped him and handed Even the money.

“I can’t scam you,” Even replied, handing Jonas back five.

“Oh, but you can scam me?”

Even smirked, “Was that not clear?”

Isak, who was still trying to get a beer from the bar, approached the rest of them.

“He gave me his number,” Isak laughed, handing a beer to Jonas.

Jonas rolled his eyes as if it was a typical occurrence, “That’s real professional. Did he still make you pay?”

Isak nodded.

“Because you told him you had a boyfriend?” Even guessed and Isak looked at him with an expression Even couldn’t read. Isak shook his head once and then took a long sip from his beer.

.

They’d been at the club for maybe an hour when Even decided he had to bail. He told Mutta and Elias as much since he was with them at the time and advised them to relay the message to the rest of the guys so they wouldn’t be looking for him when they eventually left. He wasn’t sure if they’d remember but he figured someone would text him if they were really concerned.

As he was walking towards the exit of the club someone grabbed his arm and Even turned around to see a desperate looking Isak.

“Are you leaving?” He screamed over the music. Even nodded and Isak looked relieved. 

“I’m coming with you. Mikael and Jonas are making out, and I hate this club.” Even laughed and led Isak, who hadn’t let go of his arm, out of the club.

The two walked in companionable silence down the sidewalk, where the line to get into the club was now stretching down the block. Even wanted to tell them to save their money but he wasn’t that obnoxious.

“Are you heading home?” Isak asked and Even considered his question.

“I mean, I was going to but if you have any other ideas…”

“Nothing special but I could really go for some french fries right now.”

Even stopped in his tracks. “French fries? Absolutely brilliant Isak,” he declared dramatically. 

Isak, whose hair was sticking to his forehead from the sweaty club, rolled his eyes with a smile.

“Let’s go then. 

“You roll your eyes a lot,” Even observed.

Even looked to Isak for his reaction and noticed him stop himself mid-eye roll. “I can’t help it. It isn’t always negative, though. Sometimes the eye rolls are from endearment or because I’m upset that I thought someone’s lame joke was funny.”

“Are you saying when you roll your eyes at me you’re _endeared_?” Even joked.

“More like all your jokes are lame,” Isak supplied and Even beamed. “But you think they’re funny, eh?” Isak remained quiet.

Once they’d gotten their french fries even proposed they sit on a bench at a nearby park. It was cold but not freezing yet and Even needed the fresh air after the club.

“You didn’t drink much tonight,” Isak observed, biting into a fry. 

Even considered his answer thoughtfully. “I try not to drink too much that often,” he finally said.

Isak hummed. “I feel that. I’m always a mess when I drink too much.”

“Yeah, I mean,” Even laughed, “Same, but also… it messes with my medication so it’s best that I don’t.”

Isak looked at him with concern. “Are you sick?” The poor boy probably thought he had cancer.

Even took a deep breath, “I’m, um... I'm bipolar.” There, he’d said it. It was out in the open. Even hated the way it sounded rolling off his tongue. He knew a lot of people associated bipolar disorder with mental breakdowns and aggressive mood swings and shit they’d seen on soap operas. He hadn’t seen a honest representation of bipolar disorder in the media, _ever_ , and it killed him because the media was so influential of the way people thought and god, what if Isak thought he was crazy. He wasn’t crazy. He knew he wasn’t, even after everything that had happened back in school. Sometimes he did things that people couldn't understand, that people might consider strange, but those things didn’t define him. He’d grown and learned that. He knew that bipolar disorder was something he had but it wasn’t _him_. It didn’t define his entire being.

“Hey,” Isak whispered, probably because Even looked like he was in the middle of an existential crisis, “Magnus’s mom is bipolar and she’s fucking awesome.”

Even laughed with relief. It wasn’t a _that changes nothing and I will always stick by you_ speech, but it was enough.

The two dropped the subject and talked about other things, like FIFA and what Isak wanted to do after school and parallel universes. The parallel universe talk freaked Even out a little but the way Isak was talking about it pacified him. He was so passionate about it. It made Even smile.

Isak finished his fries and had ketchup on the corner of his lip, which Even desperately wanted to lick off. Instead, he grabbed his napkin and dabbed at it. Isak stopped talking as he did and stared at him with a look Even couldn’t decipher and Even thought maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea after all.

The air was hot with a tension that surrounded the two, despite the weather, and Even couldn’t help himself. He forgot everything in that moment, leaned in, and captured Isak’s upper lip between his own. Isak let out a little gasp and Even prepared to be pushed away but Isak surprised him by grabbing the back of his head and with a tug, pulling Even closer. The kiss was sweet and hot and Even didn’t think he’d ever get to do this and now he was and it was so much.

When Isak pulled on his hair once more, Even took it as a sign that he could deepen the kiss and slipped his tongue into the hot wet warmth of Isak’s mouth. He tasted like beer and fries and a night out and it was still so perfect. Isak sucked on his tongue, leaving Even panting in his arms in seconds and when they pulled away for a breath, Isak’s eyes were glazed over and Even couldn’t even imagine how he looked.

Even tilted his head to kiss Isak again but this time Isak stopped him with a hand on his chest.

“I have a boyfriend,” he whispered with a pained expression, face still so close to Even’s, and Even’s soul crushed with it.

“Isak, I—“ He didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry I kissed you? He wasn’t. He wasn’t sorry at all. 

“I gotta go,” Isak said and before Even could even begin to stop him, Isak was gone and Even was alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine. Let me know what you thought! Cheers x


	3. Chapter 3

Even didn’t wake up to an alarm because Even didn’t set an alarm. He knew he wouldn’t have the incentive to do anything after what happened the night before. Instead he laid in bed, tossing and turning back and forth, staring out the window and waiting for the other shoe in the shitshow that was currently his life to drop. 

He was so, so furious with himself for ruining things with Isak and he wasn’t ready for the repercussions, whatever they may be. Whether it was Isak never speaking to him again or getting the shit beat out of him by Isak’s boyfriend. Even decided he would rather be beat up by everyone Isak had ever come in contact with than have Isak never talk to him again. The former would hurt less, he knew. 

He shouldn’t have kissed Isak. Even knew he shouldn’t have. It was just that, Isak was sitting there, all pretty and flushed from the cold, and had just finished passionately explaining parallel universes to him, and Even couldn’t help but think that in some parallel universe, somewhere, somehow, Isak was his. 

So Even kissed him and the rest was history.

He had no idea what he should do next, hence the waiting warily for the other shoe to drop strategy. It was scarier to think that maybe nothing would happen. Maybe the kiss wasn’t worth anything happening. That it was so insignificant to Isak that he didn’t even spare it a second thought; that after Isak had ran away from Even last night he’d immediately gone to his boyfriend’s and they had a good laugh about the freak who had made a move on him. Or what if Isak hadn’t even told Julian, because it was so insignificant, so minor and stupid to him, that Isak didn’t even think it worth mentioning? Why bother starting a commotion over something that to Isak was so pointless, so irrelevant.

Even knew he was overthinking things but he couldn’t quiet his thoughts and they were slowly but surely consuming his morning. It felt like there was a black hole of self-doubt and worthlessness circling his brain, sucking up even the miniscule positives of the kiss. When Even started doubting himself, he usually didn’t know how to stop. To doubt one thing is to doubt everything, every decision, every move, every breath, every thought he had ever considered worthy.

Even pinched his eyes closed and tried desperately to clear his mind of all thoughts, good or bad. Sometimes it helped him to picture every thought he’d had completely dispelled. A new beginning, an empty and clear slate. His next thoughts would make or break him, but his previous ones had disappeared, at least in the imagery.

_If I’m going to think about anything_ , Even decided, _it’s what I need to do to fix this_. That approach was more harmless. Making a plan requires more courage than self-doubt, more confidence than insecurity.

Even didn’t know if he should explain things to Isak. If he should tell him that he was sorry for kissing him, that he respected the fact that he had a boyfriend and that the kiss was just a major, drunken lapse in judgment on Even’s part. Except that would be a lie, wouldn’t it? Because Even wasn’t drunk, not in the slightest, and Even really, really liked Isak. The truth felt something more like “I’m sorry that I kissed you when I knew you had a boyfriend but I’m not sorry for kissing you because it felt inevitable.” Inevitable, Even realized. It felt like something he was always going to do.

And Even hated himself for that. For always knowing he was going to kiss Isak, boyfriend or not. He felt like he was losing control of himself in a way he had never experienced before. It wasn’t mania; it was something else. A feeling he couldn’t escape.

And Even knew he had to apologize but fuck it if he knew how.

He knew that he couldn’t do it over text. That was for certain. Actually, Even realized, he literally couldn’t. He didn’t even have Isak’s number.

He knew where Isak lived but that felt absurd. Obsessive. He could get his number from Jonas, whose number he actually managed to have, and call Isak or text him to meet up. But what if Isak had told Jonas what he’d done? Would there be animosity there? Would Jonas tell him to fuck off, Mikael’s best friend or not?

Even’s mind raced a thousand thoughts per second. He couldn’t calm down his brain; he couldn’t get a grip on himself. It was probably for the best that he got out of bed.

Even walked down the stairs slowly, hoping everyone was still sleeping off their hangovers. He could have coffee and watch mindless television in peace for a bit. Of course living with five other people meant there was always a greater chance that someone, even multiple someones, would be around and Even said a quick thank you to whatever higher power up there gave a shit when he saw it was only Elias. Even knew he couldn’t face Mikael right now, like somehow Mikael would immediately know everything. Probably because Mikael could read Even like a fucking children’s book.

Elias nodded his head in greeting and patted the seat next to him on their couch. Even smiled softly and joined Elias. He was watching _Planet Earth_ and a wolf on screen was violently eating the carcass of another dead animal.

“This is kind of dark for ten in the morning, no?” Even whispered, getting the impression that Elias was hungover when he realized the sound was on low and the subtitles were on.

Elias shot him an appraising look. “Even, this is life, man,” Elias whispered in answer.

Even snorted softly. “Doesn’t mean we have to watch it first thing in the morning.”

“It’s comforting. I mean, yeah, this part is dark as fuck, no doubt, but it’s also beautiful. I wake up from a night of poisoning my body and get to see the wondrous nature that surrounds us, the nature that we neglect? Sign me the fuck up.”

“Alright Arne Næss, shit.”

Elias knocked him on the backside of his head and then immediately apologized.

“Shit, I’m sorry. Are you hungover?” He asked, rubbing the back of Even’s head softly now.

“I’m not hungover but you should be sorry anyway." 

“Oh, yeah, I remember. You left like weirdly early, right?”

Even scoffed. “It must’ve been one in the morning when I left.”

“Right, so weirdly early,” Elias smirked. 

“If that’s your definition, yes. I couldn’t take that club music for another minute.”

“God you’re such a snob,” Elias joked, and Even pretended to smack him on the back of his head. Elias flinched violently, and Even cracked up.

“I wasn’t going to hit you when you’re a hungover mess. I’m not a monster.”

“Sure,” Elias retorted, scooting to the other side of the couch to lean on the armrest.

The two watched _Planet Earth_ for some time in silence and Even returned to his thoughts. It was a minute before Elias spoke again.

“You know who else we realized left _weirdly_ early?”

Even continued to stare directly at the television when he asked, “Who?” with an air of what he hoped was disinterest. He already knew what Elias was going to imply.

“Isak. You two didn’t happen to leave together, did you?”

Even didn’t know why he thought lying to Elias was the smarter option. It’s not as if leaving with Isak insinuated that Even had kissed him. In fact, if anything, lying made Even look even more suspicious. Like something did happen. But lie he did.

“Nope.”

If Even looked over at Elias he would’ve seen the disbelieving look Elias shot him, the all knowing, you’re-lying-but-I’m-not-going-to-say-a-word look that Elias had mastered back in school. But Even didn’t look at Elias. So there.

.

Even spent the next few days in his head, which was, in hindsight, the worst thing he could’ve done. By Tuesday he was miserable and despite being constantly surrounded by his friends, he continued to feel more and more alone. Even remembered one thing Isak had said about parallel universes that had really freaked Even out. He couldn’t dwell on it at the time because Isak was already continuing his endearing scientific babble but Even remembered it now because he had been dwelling on their entire night ever since.

Isak had said that if there were endless parallel universes and everything that could happen was happening, then in this universe, and in every other universe, they themselves were fundamentally insignificant, downright irrelevant.

Even couldn’t shake those words. Isak had meant them in a fascinating way, like how every action and decision they make is insignificant because in another universe something else is happening instead.

But if there were parallel universes where Even hadn’t fucked up, why did Even have to be stuck in this one? Why did this particular meaningless Even have to be the one he was stuck with? It was dark and he hated thinking it and it hurt but Even couldn’t crush it. The mind is alone and fuck if Even didn’t feel alone right now.

A knock on Even’s door brought him out of his trance and he glanced at the closed door in confusion. He’d thought that all the boys had already left for the bar.

“What’re you still doing here?” Even asked when Mikael entered without waiting for permission. “I thought you were already at the bar?”

“Yeah, problem is, I don’t know why _you’re_ not.”

Even rolled his eyes and simultaneously rolled over to face away from Mikael.

“I’m not feeling up to it.”

Even felt Mikael sit on the edge of his bed. Days had gone by and Even knew he was drawing the suspicions of his friends. He was still spending most of his time with them but he couldn’t convince himself to engage. Instead he mainly stayed quiet and dodged their questions. Tonight Yousef and the boys were celebrating Yousef’s exam results, an exam he’d been revising and stressing over for weeks, but Even couldn’t bring himself to put on a happy face so he decided everyone would have more fun if he just stayed home. Of course, that only made everyone more suspicious, more worried, and Even hated it. Sometimes he felt like he couldn’t do anything without drawing fears from the people around him. He just wanted to lie in his fucking bed for a couple of days without getting the third degree.

“Look you told us you’re not having an episode and we believe you because we trust you, Even. But you’ve been down for the past couple of days and your friends are worried about you so you might as well get it over with and tell me what the fuck has been up with you lately.”

“Can we just _not_ do this right now, Mikael?”

Mikael huffed, “Oh, we are _doing_ this right now.”

When Even didn’t say anything, Mikael scooted closer to Even on the bed.

“Just talk to me man. You know you can tell me anything.”

Even groaned. “Dude, don’t make this into a big deal.”

“It is a big deal Even, because you’re worrying your fucking friends and you need to take responsibility for that. 

“Why do _I_ have to take responsibility for other peoples’ shit?” Even scoffed, feeling ultimately like a child being scolded by his father.

“But it’s not other people’s shit. It’s _your_ shit that’s worrying other people and you need to handle it.”

“Sorry my shit is such a burden but maybe if everyone gave _less of a shit_ they’d stop worrying so much.”

“Listed to yourself. _You’re_ being a shit.”

Even took a deep breath. He was wallowing in his own loneliness, his mind practically begging him to talk to someone, and here was Mikael, asking him to tell him what was wrong. But he didn’t know how to voice it. He didn’t have the right words for it. Sometimes the things that make sense in your head just sound like noise when you say them out loud.

“Mikael I… I don’t know. I’m just feeling like a real piece of shit lately. I don’t know. I can’t shut my head off from like, hating itself. I wish you’d let me wallow for like, a second without jumping down my back abou—“

“No, fuck that Even. You know what, you’re really pissing me off lately with this new attitude of yours. Lately you’ve been acting like you’re worth nothing, man. You’re telling me and the boys you’re fine but no one believes you because your entire persona is telling us a different story and I don’t like it. Stop being so hard on yourself. You’re not my best friend because your mom is paying me or you know how to cook some bomb ass pasta. You’re my best friend because you’re one of the coolest, funniest, and most sincere people I’ve ever met and I don’t know what’s making you think otherwise lately but you know what? You need to get the fuck over it.” Mikael ended his rant with a giant breath.

Even laughed but he kind of felt like crying. “Why are you so nice to me?”

“Someone has to be and you’re obviously not going to do it.”

Even cringed. Mikael was right. He was always hard on himself but his insecurities had come to a fiery head in the past couple of days. Even knew there was only one way to fix it. Talk to Isak. It didn’t matter what Isak said or did after but Even knew he had to tell him what he wanted to say. It was the only way to stop thinking and Even really, _really_ needed to stop thinking. Overthinking was his fatal flaw… among other things.

“Now get dressed and come meet your friends at the bar with me because Yousef just _aced_ his exam and he deserves all his friends celebrating with him. Agreed?”

Even sat up in his bed and shrugged. “Agreed.”

“And when you feel like telling me what’s really bothering you, you know where I sleep. Oh, and maybe start talking to us. All of us, one of us. We’re here for you. No bullshit.”

Even smiled lightly. “I know. And… I will. I promise.”

Mikael beamed and patted Even’s knee before hopping off his bed, “That’s my boy.”

Even laughed. “I’m not your golden retriever.”

“Ten minutes,” Mikael said, ignored Even’s comment, and shut the door.

.

The bar the boys had decided on was buzzing but not too crowded, as it was a Tuesday night. Mikael and Even had arrived late after Mikael’s pep talk at the house. Even didn’t feel miraculously cured but he felt better. Mikael always knew what to say to wake him up to reality. He was overthinking everything and it was destroying him. He needed to get out of his head and deal with his shit. And if everything _went_ to shit his friends would be there for him, each in their own special or slightly inappropriate way. He needed to remember that when he was straying towards “the mind is alone” shit. Maybe the mind was alone, in the end, but Even had his friends right now and they always made him feel less alone when Even actually put in the effort to talk to them.

When the boys saw Even following behind Mikael they all whooped and hollered and Even rolled his eyes lightheartedly.

“I get it, I’ve been a mopey asshole. I’m sorry.”

Mutta punched him lightly in the stomach. “You’re damn right you have and—“

“But what matters is that you’re here now,” Yousef interrupted, cupping Even’s shoulder. 

“Congratulations, bro. You’re a genius,” Even grinned.

Yousef smiled and when he hugged Even, another small weight felt like it had lifted from his shoulders. Even forgot how much a difference just being present around people could make.

Adam slid Even a beer and Even accepted it and tipped it towards him in thanks. Elias started to make a half-assed speech about Yousef’s accomplishments and everyone else, including Even, interrupted him constantly to add their own two cents. The speech took almost ten minutes to complete.

Elias asked Yousef where Sana was and all the boys roasted him when he started to blush.

“She has school tomorrow.”

Mutta scoffed. “So do we.”

“Yeah but Sana goes to class,” Yousef replied and Mutta raised his glass.

“Touché.”

“I’ve got the next around,” Even said and the boys cheered as Even got up from their table. Mikael grabbed his arm, “Dude, you don’t have to.”

“It’s not for you. It’s for Yousef,” he smiled and Mikael smiled in return.

Even walked up to the bar and waited for one of the bartenders to notice him. He winced at the price of the cheapest beer. The boys really needed to reevaluate their expensive taste in bars. Even made a point of leaning slightly over the sticky bar to make his presence known to a bartender when his throat suddenly dropped into his stomach. He’d only met the boy briefly, once, but there was no doubt that Julian himself, boyfriend of Isak Valtersen and star of Even’s dreams and _lighter_ thoughts, was currently approaching Even from the other side of the room with a stoic look on his face. It didn’t look promising.

“Even, right?” Even nodded and smiled slightly. Maybe Isak hadn’t told Julian about their kiss. _It’s probably chill_ , Even thought and then immediately saw stars as Julian’s fist collided with Even’s cheek. Even had been hit harder before, sure, but it still stung like a bitch.

“Fuck,” Even muttered, grabbing his throbbing cheek.

He turned back to Julian and clenched his fist to retaliate when Julian held up his hands in surrender and spoke, “Dude, you deserved that.” Julian wasn’t smiling but he wasn’t seething with anger, either.

Even kind of wanted to laugh but he thought it would make his cheek sting more.

“You’re right,” Even replied apologetically. He was about to begin his apology, a speech for Isak he’d been trying to perfect in his head for days shifting into a slightly odd, altered version for Julian, when he heard Mikael’s angry voice from somewhere behind him.

Mikael grabbed Even by the arm and immediately inspected his face before lunging at Julian, who took a giant step back in alarm. Now Even did laugh.

“No, Mikael,” he grabbed Mikael’s shoulders to hold him back, which was more difficult than he thought it would be. Mikael was really trying to hit Julian and despite everything, Even’s heart soared. It was the little things, like your friend trying to beat the shit out of someone for you.

“Mikael, no, dude, I deserved it,” Even assured him, laughing a little for Mikael’s benefit and because he thought the whole display was a little bit funnier than it probably actually was. Of course this was how the other shoe dropped. Getting punched in the face by Isak’s boyfriend. 

Mikael looked at Even strangely before crossing his arms, seemingly putting the details together immediately. “What did you do, Even?” He asked, but Even knew that Mikael had already realized that too. It was pretty obvious what Even had done wrong when the boyfriend of the guy he’d been pining over struck him in the face.

“He kissed my fucking boyfriend,” Julian spat, the anger that was missing from his initial words appeared now.

“I know this doesn’t mean anything but I’m really, really sorry. And you’ve gotta know that it was _all_ me. Isak didn’t even reciprocate,” Even lied expertly.

Isak did reciprocate but he knew telling Julian that wouldn’t help anything. That knowledge was only sacred to Even, who held on to that fact even though Isak had run away after. Maybe Even was an asshole for kissing him but at least, Even knew, Isak had wanted it too. At least enough to kiss him back. At least a little. 

Julian rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s why he broke up with me, right? Because he’s not interested in you." 

“What?” Even and Mikael asked simultaneously, Mikael’s voice gleeful and Even’s shocked. Isak had broken up with Julian? Even felt even more like shit now. He’d put Isak in a moral crisis and made him lose his boyfriend. God, he was a dick.

“Why would he break up with you? I was the one who kissed him,” Even swallowed painfully before speaking again, “You need to get him back. Tell him— tell him that you know it was my fault and that you forgive him.”

Julian scoffed. “Why does that matter? He said it wouldn’t be “fair to me” if we stayed together,” Julian spat, air quotes around what Even assumed were Isak’s exact words.

“Because he thinks he cheated on you? He didn’t, _honestly_ , I mean—“

“No you _idiot_ , because he wants you,” Julian supplied, growing angrier. “Are you really that much of a dick that you’d make me say it? Or are you actually _that_ dense?” Julian asked, grabbing his beer bottle off the bar and taking a giant swig.

Even felt high with this new information. Was Julian right? Did the couple break up because Isak had feelings for him, no matter how conflicted those feelings might be?

“I gotta go,” Even muttered to Mikael and headed towards the bar entrance.

“Wait, Even!” Mikael called after him and Even turned around. Mikael was jogging up to him.

“Dude, nothing you say will—“

“Give me money for the round you promised us,” Mikael smirked and held out his hand. Even rolled his eyes fondly and handed Mikael enough cash for five beers.

“Even!”

Even impatiently turned around again, bouncing on his heels.

“Go getcha boy.”

.

The adrenaline pulsing through Even’s veins as he all but ran to Isak’s place had disappeared by the time he reached the apartment. Even looked up at the residence in the darkness and his heart began to race. Was he really going to do this? What felt like the _only_ option twenty minutes ago now felt irrational. Showing up to Isak’s place on a Tuesday night, without notice, four days after Isak had fled from Even’s lips like they were on fire and then broke up with his boyfriend… What could go wrong? 

Even swallowed his insecurities and walked towards the entrance. If not now, when?

A woman exiting the building held the door open for him and Even sighed in relief. That was five more minutes up the stairs to prepare, instead of instantly making himself known with the entrance buzzer.

Even climbed the stairs slowly, trying to think of something, anything to say. By the time he reached the fourth floor Even had his introduction down, as if he was preparing for a PowerPoint presentation, and he only hoped the rest would follow instinctively. Even knocked on the door cautiously and then took a small step backwards to prepare himself.

When the door opened, it was Isak on the other side. Even was rendered speechless, a power Isak had over him, starting the night he’d called out Even for drinking his beer. The night Even thought Isak could be his. The same night Even found out about Isak’s boyfriend.

Even opened his mouth but no sound would come out, his “introduction” completely forgotten. Even could feel his cheeks heating up with embarrassment as the silence continued and he willed his brain to function properly.

“I—“

Isak stared at him for another beat, looking caught somewhere between dazed and surprised, before grabbing Even by his biceps and pulling Even towards him into a hard kiss. Even’s heart soared. This was not what he expected when he showed up at Isak’s door and he knew they needed to talk, that Even needed to explain himself, but Isak’s lips were soft and pliant and warm against his own and Even pushed Isak up against the wall behind them without a second thought.

The kiss became rougher and hotter as Isak slipped his tongue into Even’s mouth and Even let out a quiet moan in surprise. Was he still asleep? This couldn’t be his reality. The boy of his dreams, the boy he’d been thinking about for the last three weeks, the boy he spent the last four days thinking would never speak to him again, the boy whose boyfriend had very recently punched him in the face, had his tongue down Even’s throat.

Even knew he had to put an end to the kiss, if only to explain himself.

“Isak,” he said, begrudgingly pulling back from Isak’s grasp. Isak looked wrecked and was panting softly. He also looked slightly sheepish.

“Sorry, I just—“

“Don’t apologize,” Even insisted, brushing a stray curl out of Isak’s eyes, which softened at Even’s action. “I just think we should talk, maybe.”

“I broke up with Julian,” Isak blurted out.

“I know.”

“What? You know?” Isak’s eyebrows crinkled adorably in confusion.

Even winced. “He might have punched me… kind of? Tonight?”

Isak’s jaw dropped and his eyes immediately found the purpling bruise on Even’s left cheek. He touched it softly but Even still winced. He’d be sleeping on his back for a couple of days.

“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.”

Even couldn’t help but laugh. “Isak, what? No. I deserved it. I mean, I kissed his boyfriend. I kissed you. And it doesn’t even hurt that bad.”

Isak sighed and walked towards the living room couch. He took a seat and pulled his legs to his chest. Even followed.

“I’m not innocent in all of this. I _wanted_ you to kiss me, Even. I mean, it was pretty obvious.”

Despite Isak having just kissed Even again, his heart still soared at Isak’s statement. Isak had wanted the kiss too. It made half the things Even had been thinking and rethinking for the past four days completely irrelevant. Even felt like he could breathe again.

“But you ran away…” he probed.

“I was confused and… scared. But I’m glad that you kissed me.” Isak smiled shyly.

“I don’t want you to…” Even tried to gather his thoughts, “I don’t want you to think that I don’t respect your boundaries or— or that I think that cheating is like, not a big deal. I just got… caught up in the moment and I _know_ that’s not an excuse but I—“

“Even,” Isak interrupted, “You really don’t have to apologize as much as you seem to think you do.” 

“No, let me say this,” Even requested and continued when Isak indicated he would keep quiet. “I’ve had feelings for you since that pregame, the first time we met, and when I found out you had a boyfriend I knew I had to stay away from you because I didn’t think... I didn’t think I could be around you after that. But then you were everywhere, at KB and asking for a ride, and of course at my place with Jonas, and I knew I was going to kiss you, Isak. Even before we left the club together. I know that’s a terrible thing to say. I make it sound like I’ve been plotting for you to cheat on your boyfriend this whole time or something,” Even took a much needed breath but didn’t dare look at Isak yet, sight still trained on his knees, “But I want you to know that I really respect you, even if my past actions say otherwise, and I regret kissing you that night.”

Isak sucked in a breath. “Oh, well I—" 

“Wait, wait, let me finish,” Even stopped him, laughing a little and finally looking into Isak’s eyes again. “I regret kissing you that night because I should’ve told you how I felt. I should’ve told you how I felt and then let you decide. I shouldn’t have made a move on you and made you cheat on your boyfriend. That sucked.”

Isak tentatively grabbed Even’s hand and Even smiled at the sight of their fingers intertwined.

“Maybe this is shitty for me to say but I’m really glad you kissed me, Even. Because I wanted you to. And maybe it wasn’t perfect because I fleed after,” Isak laughed, “But it made me realize what was missing in my last relationship.”

“Yeah?”

“A connection.”

“Are you saying that we have a connection?” Even smiled playfully and Isak groaned.

“This is already like, the softest conversation I’ve ever had so can we just—“

Even kissed him again and Isak sighed into it, scooting towards Even until he was mostly in the other boy’s lap.

Before their kiss could even begin to deepen, the front door opened with a loud crash. The boys jumped apart and turned to see Mikael staring at them with a smirk, seemingly unaffected by his own noise.

“Mikael… what the _fuck_.” Even muttered as Mikael closed the door with theatrical softness this time.

“I forget how light that door is. Also, Isak, you should probably lock your front door. That shit’s risky.”

Isak scoffed in protest.

“No, I mean what the fuck are you doing here?” Even asked.

“Jonas invited me over.”

“It’s a school night though,” Isak supplied curiously.

“Yeah?”

“It’s just weird that Jonas invited you over on—“

“Okay, _maybe_ I invited myself over, to _maybe_ , _possibly_ , see how things went. But I guess I already have my answer if how close you two are sitting is any indicator, so I’m just gonna…” Mikael walked over to Jonas’s room and opened the door, which stopped short of opening with another loud crash, followed by a feminine screech.

Eva crawled out from behind the other side of the door and looked up at Mikael while rubbing the side of her head.

“I told her not to do it,” Jonas immediately defended himself, amused from his perch on the bed.

Eva held up her hand to Mikael and Mikael helped her stand up.

“Eva what the fu—“

“Is it _really_ eavesdropping if I’m in my own home, though,” Eva defended, answering Isak's question before he could ask it.

“Eva!” Isak screeched and hid his face in Even’s chest. Even laughed and threaded his fingers through Isak’s hair, something he’d been thinking about doing since the moment they’d met. It was as soft as he pictured.

“I told her not to, Isak!” Jonas yelled from his room.

“Well,” Eva grinned devilishly, “I’ll let you four boys enjoy the rest of your evening. I’m going out.”

“Where are you going on a Tuesday at…” Isak checked the time on their remote, “23:04?”

“You aren’t the only one with a blossoming sex life, Isak,” Eva countered, grabbed her purse from the counter, and promptly closed the door behind her.

Isak gagged from his place beside Even. “Can I move in with you?” Isak joked.

Even bit his tongue to stop himself from saying something really fast and really dumb and instead shrugged. “We’ll see.”

Isak smiled and Even knew he wanted to see that smile for a stupidly long time so yeah, maybe he was getting _way_ ahead of himself, but Even didn’t doubt that one day he’d wake up in some shitty one room apartment every morning to Isak’s smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the ending didn't disappoint. Thank you so much for reading and all your wonderful comments ♥ Cheers xo


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